Pondok^Boyan

What A Waste!!

"Genius is the ability to put together into effect what is in the mind" ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

But what if there's nothing inside?
Sigh, that's what happened to me this morning.
During my exams.
*Blank*
Nothing. Zippo!
In other words, my brain went into lockdown mode.
Its like getting locked out of your own brain, without the key or password!
Shit.
The moment i sat down and looked at the questions, i know im doomed to fail.
Suddenly like all the words appeared archaic to me.
Whats tat??
Egyptian? Babylonian? Swahili maybe?
Arghh!! Frustrating lah.

But to give me credit (Sheesh...shameless!) i just gritted my teeth and just did it.
Questions by mundane questions.
Pages by pages.
Slowly i started to recognise the words - ahh its English after all.
Like waking up from a coma...
But just as i got into the swing of things, my calculator went kaput!
Damn it died on me!!
My trusty buddy of 11 years since PSLE died on me!
Arghh!!

And the result. FAILED.
Of cos i failed.
But not too bad though.
I just missed by a couple of marks.
Damn! Suay. Sibey Suay!
Might as well fail with flying colors rite?
No difference. So frustrating.
Sigh.

Hmm lucky its Ramadhan.
Or not i'll go console myself either with Haagen Daz's cookies n cream or Swensen's Earthquake.
My my my...
Shit! Just thinking bout the ice-cream makes me hungry.
No no cannot!!
Sigh!

Think i'll go hang myself - by the toe.
Haiz...Dunia dunia.

Bitter Words, Bitter Memories

Has been another quiet day.
Too quiet for my liking.
Cos at moments like this, past memories rise to haunt me.
Terrorise me incessantly.
Tried to bury all this, but somehow or rather i just can't.
And today it was Von who haunted me.

Dun noe why, but suddenly her visage just came to my mind as i was resting,
All alone in the office during lunchtime.
Her sweet, innocent face.
Smiling at me, that thin lips of hers, hiding any malice or ill-intentions that she may have against me.

Why was i blind?
Why was i so entranced by her?
Entrapped until it was too late, like a rat!
Why did i let myself fall for her??

Thought i was incapable of falling for another - after FHM.
Thought that the pain will serve as a reminder.
Cos i was still damn hurting at that time - even now.
Thought that i won't fall for another - dreaded so.

For i had built around me a wall, made of past memories and lost hopes.
Encircled by towers, made tall and dominant, wiled by broken promises.
Ramparts lined with barricades filled with resent.
And guarded by a ring of platinum, as hard as my heart could be.

And yet it was breached by her, though she wasn't the first to try.
There was others before, but none succeeded.
But for her, just like that, everything fell apart.

Was it her smile, her alluring eyes? Baiting me with false hopes of Love.
Was it that i could stand no longer being alone? Yearned to be loved and cared for.
Or was it cos i had known my first love had another? To spite her, to show her that 'hey, im wanted too'.
I just caved in. Nestled myself in her arms, just like that.
Sigh.

Did she have to lie to me?
Have to deliberately hurt me?
Have i wronged her somehow, maybe in her past life?
Did i look like someone she resented maybe?
Or was i just part of a dare or experiment to her?
All these have been left unanswered.
All thats left behind is a wound that'll never heal, a scar that would forever be.
Really had thought that she loved me,
Really did.
Had given her nothing short of what i had gave FHM.
Shit! Was i stupid.

And now, i have to rue all that had happened.
I had never hated anybody before and i still cant bring myself to hate her.
But i am bitter tho, FHM can attest to that. Right dear?
Sigh.
Misses u so much.

"In this world, a man by himself is of no value whatsoever, And there is none other world than this."

Haiz. Dunia...Dunia.

Public Transport.

Sheesh wat a way to start the day!
Really dampened my already waning, morning mood.
Have to be one of my most frustrating moments in my Life.
--Well maybe except my Love Life.
I was stuck in a bloody bus for 2 1/2 hours.
Yes! A bloody 2 1/2 hours, just wasted sitting there.
It was service no. 61.
My journey started from Bukit Batok all the way to Eunos.
I know it was going to be a long ride, from one end of the island to the other mah.
But i had expected the ride to last only about an hour, the MOST an hour and a half.
But two and a half hours!!
My goodness me!
Was really gonna puke by the time i got off it.
Argh!!
Is there any other buses that goes anywhere longer??

Not only that, its been two consecutive days now that i had to break fast in the MRT.
Sigh.
Its not a nice feeling to break fast on your own.
Had contemplated to break fast at the mosque even.
But if i had, by the time i reach home, it'll be too late to terawih together with my family.
Haiz...what to do.
Dunia dunia...

Hmm i also have not exactly prepare myself for my paper on Friday.
Shit!
Don't think can make it this time around.
How dar?
I just cant keep her out of my head.

"My world is spinning in a roundabout
I wake up scared and I scream and shout
What kind of man rides a chicken race?
A boy who wants to be a man"
~ Backyard Babies

I just love you too much that it's pathetic.

'Twas Spring Just Now...Only Just

"I feel it in my fingers...i feel it in my toes." ~ WetWetWet

Hee.
Met her just now...even though it was for awhile.
It was by chance actually.
Was at the same place and about at the same time.
Coincidence.

She was a bit reluctant to meet me actually.
Hesitant.
In two minds.
First time it was too - to me.
Hurt a bit.
But negligible.
Passable.
But heck lah, i dun care!
Din give a damn.
Unfazed.
Not bothered.

Cos all that mattered was i got to see her - her face, her eyes, her smile.

Like a charger, she filled me up with energy.
Lasts me for the day.
A somewhat mundane day.
A brief respite.
Like Spring.
Sigh.

But its Winter now yet again.
As always.
The norm in my life.
Routine.
Miss her yet again now.
So much.
Yearning.
So much.

Shit! Whats happening to me??
Haha, cant even make proper sentences
Must be sleepy.
Tired.
Hungry??
Cannot be lah.
Good nite.

"Dreams...dreams are like my Von,
False and forgettable."

Here's wishing you all a blessed but mundane month.
Cheers dudes 'n' dudettes.

And Off We Go!

Today marks the beginning of the fasting month.
The month that is considered so blessed and sacred to Muslims worldwide.
The month that is held in high esteem by those who called Islam their faith.
The month of purification of both the mind and body.
The month that cleanses one's soul.

And in this month, i seek salvation and forgivence.
Abd truthful solace.

For i had sinned these past few months.
Did things so terribly wrong and unlawful in the eyes of my faith.
Things that some may say that's unforgiveable.
Things that i in place should be thrown into damnation.
Things that i had never thought or conceived possible to undertake.
Even more so after i'd done it.
Things that if it had been revealed, would place me into so high disregard in the eyes of those who would call me their loved ones.
More so terrible in that even after i realised it was wrong, i'd still did it again...and again.

That is why it shall not be revealed, neither now nor then nor afterwards.
That is why i shall keep it locked up in me, the shame of which i'd bring to my grave.
Only God knows...only He knows.
And another.

"If i could change i would,
Take back the pain i would,
Retrace every wrong move that i made i would,
If i could stand up and take the blame i would,
I'll take all my shame - to the grave."
~ Linkin Park

I hope im not too late.

My Morning Tears

Hmm the fasting month is upon us again.
Had our first terawih session, so many people - as usual.
But the numbers will slim down as the month progresses - as usual.
Some things never change, but some things do.

Sigh.
Feels different this time around.
For the first time in long six years, i dun haf tat special someone to go through wif tis year.
The someone who had been my other half for the better part of my adult life.
The someone who had given me strength and encouragement all tis while.
Sigh.

I dun haf anything to look forward to nowadays.
Usually, i'll look forward to waking her up early in the morning for Sahur.
Hehe she's always late for her Sahur most of the time.
Im her living early morning caller.

Then i'll look forward to her messages during the day giving me encouragement.
Always asking me to hold on, perservere and trudge on wif my daily duties.
Almost like fuel for my body, willing me on day by day, unfailingly.
Especially so during my army days.

After that i'll look forward to tok to her just before the time to break fast.
Sharing with each other on the types of food tat we bought.
Where and when...
Promising to send to each other the leftovers.

Lastly before i sleep after terawih, i'll look forward to her good nite messages.
Exchanged sweet nothings...love me's n u's.
Telling ourselves to do all those things that ive mentioned again for tomorrow.
All this before we retire for bed.

And of cos...i'll look forward to Syawal.
Of all things to celebrate wif her.
Going out to visit frens and relatives and each other.
To share that blessed month with our love for each other.
And made resolutions to improve on wat we had achieved so far.
To be together and wait for the next Ramadhan.

*Sob*

All these things i had looked forward to each year without fail.
Ever since we were together.
Even at the start of tis year when all was still well.
Sigh.

How times haf changed.
I'll haf none of these tis time around.
None of these.
Nothing to look forward to - not in the morning, day or night.
Haiz...i ask myself tis question everynight.

Is it my fault - either partly or in its entirety - tat all tis had happened??

Right Here Waiting For You

Do you know a song whose chorus goes like "i will be right here waiting for u"?
A song by Richard Marx or somebody...
I was like that the whole day today.
Waiting for Her.

Told me yesterday that she might be able to go out with me today, so i waited.
Even woke up extra early to finish my chores, so my mum won't question me.
All the time waiting by the phone for her call.
Waited for her.
But alas, she couldn't make it.
Had expected that honestly, even though at the same time i was hoping for the opposite.
Sigh.
Didn't even tell me until i messaged her.
Must have forgotten bout it, bout little 'ol Me.
Haha, who wouldn't rite?

Still this foolish boy had hoped that she would call.
Hoped she would spend some time to talk to this lonely soul, nurse my pain abit.
So i had waited again.
Waited still...

But the phone didn't ring.
No, it kept silent throughout the day.
Sigh.
Maybe i was too engrossed waiting in anticipation that migraine caught up to me.
Sigh.
So painful my head.

Hmm, the only thing that brought a little smile on my face was Liverpool winning and Man Utd losing.
Even then, it was just temporary.
Sigh.
I'll go to sleep now...even then i'll be waiting.
My phone beside me.

"Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger."
~ Henry Ford

"Or much less smaller...and broken."
~ Me

Labrador 'N' Me

Fasting month is just around the corner, but it seems that my mind is still not up for it.
I thought i had found peace after the fiasco, but it was honestly just a brief respite.
My life is still in a mess.
No question bout that.

I am now at Labrador Park, all alone, jotting down this blog on my PDA.
Accompanied only with my trusty discman, my handphone and my camera.
Alone - 4 months ago it wouldn't be like this.
I should be at home now, studying for my papers, but im not.
Home isn't the sanctuary it used to be.
It isn't the same as before.
My messed up life.

I don't know what happened to me.
I had everything going for me before, but everything just fell apart.
I used to be in the Poly, having good grades, my future was bright.
I had a terrific family, my parents doted on me all the time.
I had a fabulous and sweet girlfriend. who loved me unconditionally, whom i thought i would be with forever.
And i had a great clique of close buddies, whom with i went through a lot together.
But all that changed suddenly
Abruptly.
Painfully.
Sadly...

Now, what am i??
24 and i still do not hold a proper job.
Living with a family who don't even notice me, as if im transparent, or like my mom said 'a tenant who just comes to sleep.'
Girlfriend? What's that? Ive just been played for a fool by a 20-year old cina girl.
Taken for a ride. Yeah!!
And friends? All i have left is my good buddy Snagglepuss, and sometimes Bogey, if he's not dead from time to time.
What telah happen?
I reli don't know.
What's wrong with me?

I had tried looking for the answers, but to no avail.
Is it me?
Is it someone else?
Is it jus the ground im standing on?
I don't know...i don't know????
Ive spend hours, days even just thinking bout it.
Pondered over it.
Thinking and pondering.
Pondering and thinking.
Argh!!
Still no answers.
Sigh.

Labrador, o Labrador...can you tell me?
Could you help me?
Will you console me?
Haiz...its getting chilly here.
The breeze has been picking up all of the sudden, the waves rough.
Think its gonna rain soon...Yup. Definitely.
Dark clouds are forming over my head even as i write.
Great!!
Seems even the weather is matching my mood.
Sigh.

"The actions of men, Are the best interpreters of their thoughts."
~ Locke

Hmm..but what can i do?
I really miss you Sayang. I really do!
Raindrops are falling...

Love Me

I was resting and just about to doze off when this song came to play in my mind.
Its one of the tracks from Sentimental Hits 2 which the guys at my office frequently plays.
Its titled 'Love Me' by Collin Raye.
I dun know why but as soon as i hit the chorus, tears broke out.
I cant explain why...

"I read a note by grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat and he showed it once to me
He said, Boy, you might not understand
But a long, long time ago...grandma's daddy didn't like me none
But i love your grandma so.

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter and this is what it's said:

If you get there before i do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through, i don't know how long i'll be
But i'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see
And between now and and then, till i see you again
I'll be loving you, Love me.

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church
Where me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know ive never seen him cry in all my 15 years
But he said these words to her
His eyes filled up with tears.

Between now and then, till i see you again
I'll be loving you...Love me."

Isn't that what Love should be?
To hold on to the promises and vows made together.
To stay true to each other, even through Death itself?

Do you remember Dear?
Sadly ours came to naught.
Sadly ours...

And Thy Weary Shall Rest

Today ibe promised myself that i would rest.
I will not study for my papers today.
I wun flip thru a single page.
Im mentally drained and my migraine is killing me.
I shall rest my mind today.
No studying, just rest and think happy thots - hopefully.
Hmm i shall even rest early tonite.
Yes i think i should.
Yes i'll do it!!

"As i look back on my past, I remembered the tears that i cried, The jokes that i laughed at, The things that i missed and lost. But there's one thing that i'll never regret;

Its the day that i got to know you...And loved you."

Sigh.
I just cant forget the past, can't i??